© 2009-2018 by Robert Bieselin

(SOME OF) THE THOUSAND NAMES OF TIMOTHY PREEN

 

 He who remembers Thanksgiving in the school cafeteria like it happened yesterday

 He who made a living out of pretending to understand

 He who envied pearl divers and truck drivers and goats

 He who sees her glow when he closes his eyes

 He who decided at some point to stop giving a damn and “start riding out of town”

 He who punched a freshman for winking at the boring girl who made good cake

 He who accidentally called Pete “Bob”

 He who spilled his drinks frequently, but helped the wait staff clean up

 He who stood speechless before the dunes and ate popcorn chicken

 He who had to stop, drop and roll once because of Rodan

 He who felt like he wasn’t

 He who always knew the closest exit

 He who turned 50 and started farting when he felt like it

 He who wasn’t ashamed to say he thought the movie was better than the book

 He who saw a Dominican man barbeque an eel on Good Friday in the Bronx

 He who stared at the sun too long and experienced with no ill effects

 He who dined alone more than he did not

 He who learned in time to forgive the Dodgers

 He who bowed to trees because they bowed to him first

 He who always fucked-up high-fives, so stopped trying to complete them

 He who danced only when danced at

 He who hated the words “orphan” and “demiglace”

 He who dug a hole once for the sport, then filled it back in and went to bed

 He who yelled “Moon Carrot!” when he lost her by the audio equipment at Sears

 He who always forgot the third “i” in “Virginia”

 He who threw up in a wine glass once or twice

 He who would rather be annoyed than bored

 He who never kicked a dog

 He who could touch rim with a running start (before he got “old and fat”)

 He who never learned Celsius but now has an app to convert it from Fahrenheit

 He who forgave his parents young

 He who drinks wine for the alcohol only

 He who remembers when Mona made him feel safe and nothing else did

 He who climbed a telephone pole to the top on a dare and pretended to almost fall

 He who breathed in his nose before sneezing to “heighten the buzz”

 He who thinks every president, even the ones he disliked, were probably smart men

 He who Googled the Stockholm Library and wasn’t impressed

 He who threw his underpants out of his bedroom door, and found them hanging from the knob of the closet door and told everyone, but no one was really impressed

 He who felt ripped off after buying the frozen yogurt for everyone

 He who didn’t go to prom and didn’t miss anything

 He who misses everything

 He who only plays blackjack at casinos

 He who drank too much and headbutted the faucet

 He who knows how to fix a toilet

 He who once said “do you know who I am?!” and immediately regretted it

 He who stands 5’10” and weighs dozens and dozens of pounds

 He who wonders what it’s like to milk a goat

 He who loves salad bars, though isn’t super keen on salad

 He who never won a bet, as far as he could remember

 He who doesn’t know how to chug things

 He who threw a pickle at Rodan and hit him in the ear

 He who fell off a horse but doesn’t remember it

 He who never questioned his sexuality, though others did

 He who always knew he knew best

 He who made tunnels in the snow and pray they’d keep

 He who told the teacher he had to poop

 He who thought soda tasted best out of glass bottled and yelled about it

 He who fell asleep and woke up after he hit the fire hydrant

 He who says too much too often, as Rodan pointed out

 He who fed the birds as a kid and didn’t know not to smile always

 He who wonders if the other was the right one

 He who learned everything he ever needed to know in a hot air balloon

 He who broke his arm in the rumpus room, watching puppets

 He who knew no karate and never felt any effects from it

 He who literally whistled Dixie when he was nervous and hungry at the same time

 He who snuck into “Easy Rider” with a friend who would later die in a fire

 He who called Jill “monster turd” behind her back twice

 He who only ate his salami fried or microwaved

 He who was afraid they’d realize he was a fraud and can him

 He who bought Mona a beautiful painting and was proud momentarily

 He who had never been to New Orleans

 He who prayed only when he needed something impossible delivered immediately

 He who threw out the first pitch at a Triple A game and actually did a pretty good job

 He who called his dad, “Dad,” and his mom, “Mom”

 He who caught frogs in ice cream cartons and used them to scare the girls

 He who thought Mona was the prettiest girl ever for maybe five years

 He who never rides his bike

 He who came close to throwing Monopoly in the dumpster after the game ended and everyone put their empties in the recycling bin and retired to bed

 He who yelled, “are you humping?” in the cabin in winter

 He who couldn’t think of what to get her for Christmas, so gave her a crate of the gum he thought she liked

 He who accidentally became part of the procession at a nun’s funeral

 He who stole a traffic cone so he could save his parking space in the snow

 He who held his urine for hours, so he wouldn’t wake Mona, sleeping against his chest after their first sexual encounter

 He who always liked the way the French horn looked

 He who actually put his jacket over a puddle once so a girl could walk over it

 He who borrowed from Rodan something he could never return

 He who drank too much at her party

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