© 2009-2018 by Robert Bieselin

ESSAYS ABOUT ME

AND OTHER STUFF

 

 

 

 

 

ROB VS.

THE PHILIPPINES

Observational poetry for eleven occasions during

the best and worst parts

of trips to South East

Asian countries... 

 

ROB VS.

HUNGER GAMES

An over-analysis of not wanting to overanalyze things followed closely by a baseless decision to give up things that keep you alive

 

ROB VS. XKCD

Thoughts on the the perpetual futility of pointing projectors at cultural mirrors, and the possibility that your only salvation as a ‘cultural pundit’ lies in recognizing your failures to recognize society’s, and blogging about it all as

self-defense”

 

ROB VS. QUESTIONS

The answer to the question “And if so, when?” and 25+ other questions worth posing when you find yourself standing in front of a small German-made hatchback and wondering how many big, rectangular things can be jammed into a container meant to move people and

not their As-Seen-on-TV kitchen appliances

 

ROB VS. BREAKFAST

If every waffle Rob eats in excess of three makes him both increasingly happy and increasingly sleepy, how many waffles should he eat if he hopes to stay both positive and conscious

while driving through

bleak stretches of I-90 Wisconsin that remind him

of George Washington?

 

ROB VS. RUNNING

Running as a metaphor for metaphors, and the prime example of the type of thing you hate to do, but do because you know you’ll love it/feel good in its wake (see: writing/eating salad/wearing most kinds of pants)

 

ROB VS. WRITING

My short-lived definition of “retirement” in the post-Jordan/Jay-z faux exit era, and the maddening little sabotages that transform labors of love into chores if you don’t watch your ass and/or get your head out of it.

 

 

 

COLUMNS ABOUT BOOK COVERS

FOR LITREACTOR

 

 

 

 

 

How to Judge Books (Real or Imaginary)

by Their Covers

Everyone knows you’re not supposed to judge a book

by its cover. What this

column presupposes is, maybe you should?

 

A Vague, Illustrated History of Modern Book Design in 19 Covers (and 7-10 Taco References)

The history of book cover design — now with fencing, fighting, torture, revenge and plenty of delicious tacos!

 

What Type Can Do (And How It Can Maybe – But Probably Won’t – Save the Global Economy)

The Importance of Typography and the Fall of Capitalism (or, "everything I need to know, I learned by dressing like Billi Gordon in “Coming to America” and eating a deep-dish pizza in a hammock.")

 

5 Classic Authors Who Hated Their Book Covers (and One Who Got His Ass Kicked as a Result)

Some classic authors who ridiculed designers, drew

up legal clauses in the

wake of bad covers, and,

yes, even called publishers “fucking pigs.”

 

MORE TO COME...

REJECTS, LOOSE ENDS & ORPHANS

 

 

 

 

INCH BIO

A commisioned bio

vetoed by her mgmt.

 

HIPSTER BRAIN

Freelance piece ( circa 2009) for a satirical cookbook that  

was never published.

 

SEX COLUMN

Fake advice column commissioned by

Neil Strauss during a

job try-out.

 

FLOWER STORIES

ONE | TWO

Two short pieces of fiction commissioned for a flower retailer's blog, but never published... for obvious reasons.

 

FORTUNE COOKIES

Some of my favorite fortune cookie adages written for a freelance gig for a Kung-Fu-themed blood sugar monitoring app.

 

SANTA UNCHAINED

The original version of (what would eventually be edited into) a calm, heart-warming article on

Santa Claus

 

A DAY IN LITTLE FALLS

The "unpublishable" second entry in my "Day Out" series.

(First piece here.

 

 

More to come, including ghostwritten rap lyrics, weird retail copy, and a Canterbury Tales knock-off