ESSAYS ABOUT ME
AND OTHER STUFF
Observational poetry for eleven occasions during
the best and worst parts
of trips to South East
An over-analysis of not wanting to overanalyze things followed closely by a baseless decision to give up things that keep you alive
Thoughts on the the perpetual futility of pointing projectors at cultural mirrors, and the possibility that your only salvation as a ‘cultural pundit’ lies in recognizing your failures to recognize society’s, and blogging about it all as
The answer to the question “And if so, when?” and 25+ other questions worth posing when you find yourself standing in front of a small German-made hatchback and wondering how many big, rectangular things can be jammed into a container meant to move people and
not their As-Seen-on-TV kitchen appliances
If every waffle Rob eats in excess of three makes him both increasingly happy and increasingly sleepy, how many waffles should he eat if he hopes to stay both positive and conscious
while driving through
bleak stretches of I-90 Wisconsin that remind him
of George Washington?
Running as a metaphor for metaphors, and the prime example of the type of thing you hate to do, but do because you know you’ll love it/feel good in its wake (see: writing/eating salad/wearing most kinds of pants)
My short-lived definition of “retirement” in the post-Jordan/Jay-z faux exit era, and the maddening little sabotages that transform labors of love into chores if you don’t watch your ass and/or get your head out of it.
COLUMNS ABOUT BOOK COVERS
Everyone knows you’re not supposed to judge a book
by its cover. What this
column presupposes is, maybe you should?
The history of book cover design — now with fencing, fighting, torture, revenge and plenty of delicious tacos!
The Importance of Typography and the Fall of Capitalism (or, "everything I need to know, I learned by dressing like Billi Gordon in “Coming to America” and eating a deep-dish pizza in a hammock.")
Some classic authors who ridiculed designers, drew
up legal clauses in the
wake of bad covers, and,
yes, even called publishers “fucking pigs.”
MORE TO COME...
REJECTS, LOOSE ENDS & ORPHANS
A commisioned bio
vetoed by her mgmt.
Freelance piece ( circa 2009) for a satirical cookbook that
was never published.
Fake advice column commissioned by
Neil Strauss during a
Two short pieces of fiction commissioned for a flower retailer's blog, but never published... for obvious reasons.
Some of my favorite fortune cookie adages written for a freelance gig for a Kung-Fu-themed blood sugar monitoring app.
The original version of (what would eventually be edited into) a calm, heart-warming article on
The "unpublishable" second entry in my "Day Out" series.
More to come, including ghostwritten rap lyrics, weird retail copy, and a Canterbury Tales knock-off