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FORTUNES

It’s very difficult to explain whether or not it’s “Opposite Day”

When your primary plan fails, consider taking a hostage.

Your uncle will soon approach you with an awkward proposition

You will soon break the nose-holder-things on your glasses.

A trusted friend will soon be revealed for the red panda he is

The best way to find inner peace is to rob someone who has it.

You will soon rent documentary about organ harvesting on Netflix

Some opportunities are like porcupines – others, not so much.

The more you practice, the better you get at practicing.

A large heart is a gift – but also a medical abnormality.

In the event of a zombie attack, always pretend to be a zombie.

You will soon perform a transaction with a Taco Bell employee.

Home is where your underpants are.

If you fall in a large hole, don’t try to dig your way out.

You will soon find success in inconsequential things.

Ignoring the problems of others will make them go away

Ancient Proverb: Stores don’t prosecute thefts under 5 dollars

You will win in a gun-duel with a pizza delivery boy.

Everything you think you understand about “Twin Peaks” is wrong

Your first instinct is always best (except for when it’s not)

That peculiar smell in your cupboard is expired raviolis

Fashioning bear-traps can be a disarming profession

An unrealized dream is like a fox that never learns how to love.

The corners of your mind are damp and moist places.