© 2009-2018 by Robert Bieselin

Meet Hamer. This imposing bruiser is no stranger to a fracas, a donnybrook, or any other old-timey word for a fight. But he also has a very tender, expressive side that belies his scars and spikes. Imagine if Sid Vicious and Ella Fitzgerald had a child... and then someone pounded that child in the face with a claw hammer. That's Hamer—a versatile troublemaker who bawls during Love, Actually and likes fisticuffs. What a guy!!!

Meet Sultan. We’re not quite sure if he’s from the past or the future, but one thing’s certain: he sure likes brass! You can find this dry, unique, and brilliant retro-futurist prepping for the next Burning Man, where he’ll be protesting gentrification (and a looming Key lime shortage) by rocketing himself across the Black Rock Desert in a modified Trader Joe’s cart powered by dreams, steam and opium. Godspeed, you crazy diamond!!! 

Meet Mr. Nostalgia. What is he so nostalgic for, you ask? Why, the simpler times, before the snazziest accessories of wealth were all appropriated by hipsters and anthropomorphic peanuts. Nowadays, a rich, smooth, jazzy gent like he can’t even saunter about the metropolis twisting his meticulously-waxed ‘stache without being mistaken for a common barista! Oh, you poor, unscrupulous coal baron. We feel your pain, good sir! 

Meet Sahra. This free spirit has all of festival season’s most popular accessories: unseasonable scarves, compostable tiaras, appropriated jewelry, etc. Sure, it may make her look #basic, but Sahra is surprisingly dry, mature, and controlled. Who’s got your back when you pop too many pills at the Vlasic Xtreme Dill Pickle EDM Yurt™, or snag your fringe in an Insta-Art Module at Sun-Maid Raisin’s 3D Printing Pavilion™? Sahra, that’s who!

Meet X-RAY TURK (aka Lil 666FLA-mingoGOD). This eccentric millennial will mumble his way right into your heart—and onto your Totally Turnt Up Arbor Day playlist! Armed with a load of face tats and a bevy of SoundCloud followers, 666 is poised to be the biggest thing to hit the internet since Drake opened that corgi-themed avocado toast restaurant called T.G.I. Chemtrails! Like his #1 hit says, this star is “tra$h, ca$h & ready to $ma$h!”  

Meet Turk. He may seem a bit rough on the outside, but this hand-hammered stud is unexpectedly controlled and ready to introduce to your Mom. His dry, compact personality and low overtones make him a reliable partner—and quite a generous lover! He likes rock, jazz, microbreweries, and French New Wave cinema. Give him a chance... you won’t regret it!