Dear Neil, 

I've been house sitting for my girlfriend while she's studying overseas. Needless to say, I've had some pent-up energy and it's occasionally released itself on a variety of her fabrics. She's coming back tomorrow. Any idea how I can get cum stains out of clothing?

- Mark, Green Bay


Don't be embarrassed, Marky Mark. We've all splooged on a cherished handkerchief and rushed to Lady McBeth-it-out before Desdemona came home. Don't panic. Desemenizing fabric is almost as easy as confusing Shakespeare plays and inventing transitive verbs.


First step: Zip up and divert your eyes from the mirror. (Shame is harder to scrub out than plasma stains.) If the semen is still wet, lightly remove any excess with a damp paper towel. Next, identify your fabric. There's different mop up protocol for spilling your beans on your girlfriend's American Apparel unitard than there is for, say, knocking-off on your uncle's fisherman-knit sweater.


Manmade messes are most easily removed from manmade fabrics (nylon, polyester, spandex). A simple soak-n-rub will usually do the trick. For stains on cotton underwear, t-shirts, sheets or tablecloths, you're gonna want to pretreat the fabric and run it through a cold wash cycle. (Warm water will set the stain). If your load has already dried and/or washing isn't an option, try massaging the afflicted area with a mixture of white vinegar and water. For deeper stains on wool and heavier natural fibers, avoid scrubbing and try what I call the “old dirty shepherd trick”: soak the mess in a woolite-water mixture and gently brush at the afflicted area.


These rules, of course, go out the window for finer fabrics – silks, chiffons, etc. If you Clinton-ed on a nice dress, your best bet is to be a gentleman and take it to the dry cleaner. Tell them you're a cross-dressing quality control tester for Activia or something. (This works for shit stains too.) They won't believe you, but they'll usually wait until you leave to laugh. When picking up, just divert your eyes once more and take your business elsewhere next time.


Coming up next week: I review services of all 23 dry cleaners within a 15-mile radius of my home.



Dear Neil,

I was laid off recently and have spent the last six weeks eating In 'N' Out and streaming documentaries on Netflix. I've exhausted most of the good docs, and am down to the low-budget ones about child soldiers, strip-mining or kinky sex.  These (the latter ones, at least) got me curious about anal. My girlfriend says she's down, but I'm concerned about hygiene. Is there a way she can clean her bum thoroughly without risking infection?

- Amos, Paso Robles.


Thanks for the Q, Amos – one to which we can all relate. Because, really, who doesn't want a clean rear... an ass you can eat off, if you will (and if she'll let you).


First lets talk no-no's: If you've kept up on urban legends (or read Infinite Jest) you know that a toothbrush is pretty much out of the question. I know, it seems like it would work, but so did Holland's tulip-based economy and Stan Lee's Spiderman album. It's a bad idea. Let it go and move on. Same goes for abrasive cleaners or, really, anything inorganic. Your anus isn't a two car-garage. It has a fragile membrane lining that's also absorbent. (Remember the booze enema from college?) Basically, you want to avoid putting anything into your ass that you wouldn't put in your mouth. (“But honey, Neil said...”)


My rule of thumb in regard to ass-cleaning is derivative of the Buddhist Middle Way: “don't use a dandelion; don't use a pineapple.” In short, be mindful and moderate. Tell your girlfriend to clean her A-hole like she would a dachshund’s ear: be gentle, but thorough. Try filling an ear syringe (they're usually blue and look conveniently like sex toys) with warm, but not hot, water and flush that bad boy out. For industrial-size projects/highly neglected anuses, you may want to invest in a douche/enema kit.


Again, I stress: exercise restraint. Anal cleansing is about flushing, not scrubbing. It doesn't need to gleam and smell like lemons. You're prepping for anal, not making a Mr. Clean commercial.